Have you seen my appendix?

Me either. I really dont understand why strangers get to look at my insides when I never have. They didnt even buy me dinner.

Monday July 2. I think I have food poisoning. Tuesday the pain begins. I take myself over to Urgent Care. They do a cbc...my white count is through the roof. There is something suspicious looking on my gall bladder. The doctor tells me to go to the emergency room NOW, I have some kind of infection in my tummy. I go of course, straight to the ER. ( I really dont know where commas go, I just throw them in willy nilly)

ER doctor (did not like) presses on my stomach in just the right spot. I wanted to knock him out. He thinks its my appendix. They want to do a CT. They want to put dye in my nether regions. I really dont care at this point other than I wish I had on better underwear. Thank you mother.

Yep its my appendix. You must stay and we will call the surgeon. Its coming out of me at 6am. I panic thinking I dont have enough greens for the bunnies. I tell the doc I will think about it. He didnt care for that answer at all. I made some calls and decided I had better stay. Bring on the pain meds!

They start an IV and give me Morphine. That crap lasts about 30 minutes. I tell nurse Joe I want something better. He leaves and returns with a miracle in a syringe called Fentanyl. I love him now. I also decided it would be a good idea to text random friends at 3am. Keep in mind I am a bad patient. No I don't whine and complain and ring the buzzer but I dont like to stay in bed and I am hungry. I haven't eaten in 2 days and once the pain went away I was starvin like Marvin. Those bastards wont even give me water. Whatever, there is a sink in the bathroom. At least I can sneak that after nurse Joe foiled my attempt to get to a vending machine.

I have never had real surgery. I had some leg veins stripped a few years but I was awake. Come 5am ever single person in that hospital wanted a piece of me. Xrays, blood work, EKG...you name it. Now Mr. Chest Xray was quite the looker. I immediately began to take off my shirt when he walked in. He just gave me a sour look and told me to keep my clothes on. RATS! They roll me downstairs where I meet the pusher man (anesthesiologist) and the surgeon.

When the surgeon introduces himself I notice he is bleeding from the chin. I inform him that he is losing blood and he lets me know he cut himself shaving. Uh huh and he is coming after me with a scalpel. Lovely. Do I have any questions? Yes, when can I get something to eat. Mr. Cut and Run just chuckles. Apparently he thinks I am joking. I remember nothing after that.

Surgery takes 37 minutes. I wake up sometime later in recovery. The nurse asks me some stupid questions I cant remember and I ask for food and fall back to sleep. I wake up again in my room. Nurse asks if I need anything. What time is lunch? The doctor says if I can keep down broth and jello I can have some real food. Now I despise jello with every fiber of my being. Its gross and wiggly, made from nastiness and the texture is horrific.

When nurse Haley brings my broth and jello I snarf it up like a caveman. Slopped jello all down the front of my pretty hospital dress and ask what else she has. She give me crackers, freaking crackers. I ate 6 packages. As soon as she leaves I call the cafeteria and put in my order for lunch which I can only have if the doctor says yes. I tell nurse Haley to call the doc and tell him I want lunch and I want to leave that evening. I am on my way to becoming a real pain in the ass. 

I hoovered down a baked potato, a roll, some pudding, more crackers and stupid apple juice. I hate apple juice and didn't ask for that. They want to know if I am peeing. YES. Can I go home now? NO! 
What time can I order dinner? Doc wants to know if I have gotten out of bed. Nurse rat fink tells him I have been rolling all over the hospital with my IV wheely thingy in tow. (she doesn't know I have been to the parking lot to retrieve my cell phone charger) He says I can leave after dinner. THANK GOODNESS. Strict instructions come and do you have a ride home.....of course I do. (I have a Pontiac)

The nephew shows up to drive me home. Yeah right, like I am leaving my car there. We trick old nurse dodo bird in the parking lot. I drive myself home. I cant wait to see the babies. I stop by the grocery store long enough to pick up a lemon cake. WHAT? I had some cravings. I come creeping in all bent over and in raspy sore throat voice proceed to scare the absolute shit out of the buns. Mama doesn't walk like that or talk like that. Very scary. Only Millie really loves me. It only took me 30 minutes to get down on the floor. She was very patient.

Anywhoo I am just fine. I was given my independence from my appendix on July 4th. I stayed in my fat pants for several days and did all the things the doctor told me not to do. I am not one to lay around but I did try. I watched all 6 seasons of Supernatural. I felt a deep personal relationship with Sam and Dean when it was over.

Sorry I don't have pictures of my appendix. They don't let you take it home. I don't see why, its mine. Every single word is true by the way. I am a bad patient and besides the hospital is the place that has all the cooties that make you sick. My surgeon told me he has only let 1 other patient go home the same day after an appendectomy. I would love to meet that person. I bet he/she could give me some tips on how to be an even bigger pain in the butt.  

Oh I almost forgot. The "suspicious thing" on my xray were 2 nickels in the breast pocket of my scrub top.

Surprisingly I don't weigh 500lbs.