"You have to be strong"

 

 

I heard those words for the first time in the third grade. My aunt said them to me as they wheeled my brother James into surgery. He was 19 years old and about to have a 12hr operation to remove a grapefruit (yes I said that right) size tumor from his head. James had started having headaches the previous year. My parents took him to doctors and they found nothing wrong. Told them "it was all in his head." Well as a matter of fact it was. When James went into surgery that morning he could still see out of one eye. When he woke up that night, he was blind. In an effort to get the tumor, they severed the other healthy optic nerve. Nobody, not even the doctors thought he would survive.  He did but he was never the same as you can imagine. A few years after surgery he started having seizures. I was told to be strong.

Daddy had a pretty bad heart attack a few years after that. The strongest man I knew was laying prone in a hospital bed. It brought me face to face with the harsh reality of mortality. My dad survived. I was strong.

When I was 20 my dad passed away from congestive heart failure. I did everything. I made every arrangement. I tried my best not to cry. I was strong for my mother and for my brothers.

When he was only 43 my oldest brother Forrest was diagnosed with throat cancer. He went through some pretty drastic treatments. In September he was told he was cancer free. October 29th he was hospitalized and never came out of the hospital. He died on December 30, 2001. I lost my mind for about an hour in the hospital that day. I still don't remember exactly what happened. I was strong in public but I was dying on the inside. A horrible rage had built inside me. The only thing that cooled that rage was his son. A 6 year old that acted just like his daddy and was the only person I cared about at the time. I stayed strong and did everything. I made all the arrangements so my mother wouldn't have to. I tried not to cry.

I watched most of the life leave my mother then. It had started slipping away by degrees. We became bitter angry people. I was so pissed off all the time. We had terrible arguments. It changed our relationship a great deal. I clung to Jakob, she clung to hostility. I still tried not to cry.

Two silly bunnies named Mojo and Tango brought a little light back into our world. We could find little things to talk about again and giggle at. That is why animals are so important to have in your life. They can bring joy where there is none. It is like when you see a really bright light in the sky. Animals and silly babies are that bright light. We have been lucky enough to have so many little bright lights.

On August 23th 2012 my mom told me she had a bad headache. She said she couldn't stand up and could I take her to the hospital. Now if you knew my mom, you would know she would never in a million years ask to go to the hospital. I called an ambulance. I never told anyone but as she was helped onto the gurney she looked at me and said "I am not going to make it, something broke inside my head." That is the last thing she ever said to me.

I sat with her mostly by myself. I made the decision by myself to turn off the machines. I asked her to give me a sign that she was ready. She did. She drifted away early Sunday morning. I sat with her while her breath left and held her hand. I was so grateful to be there with her. I still had to be strong but I did cry, mostly in private.

My family is very small now. A few days after my mom left, my dad's sister died. She was the first person that told me to be strong. A few weeks later my mom's sister passed away. Then Mills left. It has been a hell of a year. I am trying to be strong.

I inherited sole responsibility for my brother. James has plenty of issues. It might take you awhile to notice the little things. Things like little ticks or facial expressions that aren't "normal."  After a time you might catch on that you are talking to a 14 year old that lies a lot. James is 10 years older than me but is like a kid. He has no clue about how to take care of himself. He has nobody but me. I will not abandon him. My mom's family all lives in Germany, they don't speak English. I get news through my neighbor. She calls them about once a month for me. I wish they were around. My dad's family is gone or such a mess I have no desire to fool with that. Someone wise asked me if I felt like an orphan. I thought it was a strange question at the time but yeah, after I thought about it, I do feel like an orphan.

I was in no way excited about Christmas. I put up a tree because mom loved them so much. The ornament in the pic I bought just for her. She would have loved it. It was so her kind of thing. I am in a strange mode right now. I run on autopilot. I waste large amounts of time of FB. I enjoy the people and the pictures and the exchanges. I try and read books and I cant focus. I wait for spring to see all of our pretties (mom and mines) pop up out of the ground and say hello. This will be the longest winter of my life I think but I will be strong.

I have always refused to indulge in self pity. It is one the most useless emotions we can have. I will find things to be grateful for if it kills me. LOL. I am grateful for my brother, my nephew, my Heartland family, all of you, a handful of old friends and of course for these silly bunnies.

I am very grateful I am not making funeral plans for one of my children. These past few days have taught me many lessons. That is what life is really all about. Learning lessons.

Thank you for allowing me to write this out a bit. I have started it a hundred times and stopped. I feel a little better. Now, I have bunnies that need some smooches and I have to roust Jojo out from behind the couch.

Happy Holidays my friends and if you are feeling blue...do something for someone else. It will lift you, I promise. Today I got a little lift from a Facebook friend. I dont think he knows how his gift cheered me. We havent done one in some time so here is a mantra for your monday.

 

"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind"

Lionel Hampton